It’s Not Fair: Living a Reality I Didn’t Want

It’s NOT FAIR! Three words that rush through my mind when the pain is overtaking me or when I get an email from the credit card company that my balance is getting too high. Not many people understand how it feels to lose your health, future, job and

I’ve always been hopeful, someone who could be facing the wall but somehow figure out how to climb up it. But lately, things have changed. I mean, how could they not? There’s a catheter inserted into my lower abdomen through a permanent hole into my body, better known as a Supra Pubic Catheter. I have days where the pain is terrible, and I can hardly move, and moments of complete anxiety when I have to seek medical attention promptly. Days where the fatigue cripples me, and the pain debiliates me. Infections that pop up and cause more sickness and pain, and medications that aim to help me but often come with troubling side effects. This isn’t the life I wanted; this isn’t how things should be. 

Living With the ‘It Is What It Is’ Mindset When It’s Not Fair

The phrase ‘it is what it is’ frequently pops up in my mind, perhaps as a way to cope with the extreme struggle I now find myself in. But even the familiar phrase seems dismissive. I don’t want this for my life; I don’t want to be in pain, I don’t want to have to seek medical intervention, and I don’t want to have to depend on medical professionals and visit hospitals so frequently. Additionally, I don’t want to be jobless, struggling to afford the basic necessities of life, having no backup, and having no one to help my family and me when things get tough. There’s no “help me” button you can push when things get hard, and there is no “life alert” to tell people you’re not okay and need help. 

This situation has taught me that the world is horribly cruel to those who are suffering from situations beyond their control. I lived with endometriosis pain from the age of 12, and I’ve gone through copious amounts of ‘experimental’ procedures, medications and things that were meant to help. Despite the pain, I always had the gumption, the drive, the strength to rise above it and work my butt off to get somewhere in life, to provide an abdundant future for my children. But now, we’re here in a place that seems almost unreachable. There is no “get out of jail free” card to save me from the chains that have been placed on me from a health condition that is beyond my control. 

Those Who Are Suffering Are Often Dismissed

People who are coping with medical conditions that are beyond their control truly get the worst that society has to offer. It’s NOT FAIR is a phrase running through the minds of many people suffering from situations they have no control over. Even when recovering from Severe Preeclampsia, I felt that I had the control to get well, to take charge of my health, to steer myself in a new direction, one that wouldn’t be conquered by high blood pressure, birth trauma, and PTSD. I worked so hard to get myself as far away from that trauma as I could. But things are different now; I’m suffering from a condition that I had no control over. I voiced my concerns over and over and over again to the medical professional who was tasked to make sure I was going to be ok. My cries for help were ignored. And now, I’m living with the catastrophic results of a medical system that doesn’t listen to those who have chronic health issues. 

It’s not fair that someone who was seemingly healthy should be ignored by the people there to ensure they’re well. But I see it time and time again. Especially with my work with Preeclampsia, so many women are ignored, dismissed, told it’s “all in their head”. And swept deep under the rug until they could barely crawl out. Why is it acceptable to dismiss the people who are struggling? How can this possibly be the way that we treat others?

Dismissing Those Who Are Suffering to Make Youself Feel Better

It’s not just the medical system; people who are facing significant health troubles are often dismissed by society as a whole. Take someone who has cancer, for example; they have no control over their diagnosis. We have these “foundations” in place that make people feel good, like they’ve done their part by donating money or walking for a cure. But what about the people actively suffering from major health complications? You can donate all the money you want to a foundation that claims to be helping find a cure. But what about the people in the hospital, hooked up for treatment? Is anyone helping them? They’re falling further and further into debt because now, due to the inability to work, they don’t have the basic income to feed their families. So, they aren’t just battling an illness, they’re facing an uphill battle in every aspect of their lives.

It doesn’t stop there; people who are suffering through health complications beyond their control are often put into a corner. Because no one knows what to do with them. As humans, we like to be able to “fix” situations. But when someone is battling an illness that cannot be fixed, we push them into a corner where they have to learn to cope on their own. So-called Christians like to wag their fingers at the sick, telling them that “maybe this is your doing? Maybe you’re being punished until you repent”. Or people say, “Maybe you should change your diet and do juice clenses”. Both are prime examples of people who want to “fix” a health situation but don’t know how. So, out of their discomfort for not knowing what to do or how to talk to someone who is not well, they suggest entirely uncalled-for options. Because it makes them feel like they’re doing good, it satisfies their need to “help others” so they can sleep better at night. 

How to Help Someone Who is Sick?

People don’t like situations they can’t figure out how to fix. Think about it: when someone has a newborn and the newborn is crying, they make sure to feed them, or change them, or burp them. Doing whatever it takes to make the newborn stop crying. The same is true for people who are not well. Their sickness, struggle, and agony make us uncomfortable because we cannot fix it. It’s easier to alienate the person struggling by making horrible comments like, “Maybe you’re doing something sinful that is causing this.” Suddenly, that person who is struggling stops talking to you, and you feel a sigh of relief because you shared your truth with them, and they stopped talking to you, so now you don’t have to be present in their life. It’s a win-win. But for whom? For the person struggling with their health? For the person battling pain and illness that you could never go through because you’re not strong enough?

Since becoming sick, I have lost more people than I ever had before. Because they don’t understand it, they don’t like sending “how are you” messages and getting a painful reminder that you’re still unwell. That their “prayers for you” have gone unanswered, that you’re still struggling with sickness, pain, and financial debt. It’s easier to walk away, to ignore those who are struggling, than it is to get down on their level, as they sit on the floor beside the toilet battling nausea and pain that you could never imagine. Like I said, we love to “walk for the cure” but not get down in the dirt with those we are walking over. Is that what God would want? Would He want those who are suffering to suffer alone in silence? Do you think God would like you to ‘walk for the cure’ and fundraise to ‘help a cause’ or actually help the person who cannot help themselves anymore? 

How Can We Really Help?

This whole experience has taught me that it’s not fair. It’s not fair that you have to sit in a waiting room full of people with tummy aches and coughs, to be ignored and left to sit in agony because that is what happens to those with chronic health conditions and medical disabilities beyond our control. I saw someone’s TikTok the other day; the husband is facing major health complications and an Autoimmune Disease that the medical field doesn’t quite understand. His wife posted a video saying that the medical system would rather he die so they don’t have to be troubled with trying to figure out what to do. But that doesn’t just stop with the physical medical disabilities; it’s the same for mental disabilities, for disease that can’t be figured out. We dismiss. We donate. We move on. 

Today, I challenge you to get down in the dirt with someone suffering. Instead of doing what you think is needed to make yourself feel better about their suffering, listen to what they need. So many, like me, are seemingly alone, trying to navigate a reality they didn’t want and trying to salvage what is left of their broken dreams and collapsing future. Instead of asking, “How can I make this situation better so that I don’t feel uncomfortable?” ask yourself: How can I be there for them the way Jesus would’ve been? Remember, sometimes, people need more than prayer. They need support.