Why moms feel the pressure to lie about being okay

Why Moms Feel the Pressure to Lie About Being Okay

For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a mom. I remember caring for my baby doll carefully, changing her clothes and combing her hair. Motherhood was something I always wanted. When people would ask, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I’d answer with something that society deems successful, like a “nurse” or a “doctor” or a “lawyer”… But honestly, all I wanted was to be a mom. Unfortunately, living in the 2020s, being “just a mom” is more like a dream. The reality is that most moms have to earn an income because the cost of living is insanely high, and now motherhood is met with a slew of pressures that weren’t there in previous generations. The idea that we must be perfect is the main reason why moms feel the pressure to lie about being okay.

Realizing Why Moms Feel the Pressure to Lie About Being Okay.

Being a mom requires a strength you don’t understand until you’re in those shoes. Motherhood is often glamourized as this precious time with your sweet-smelling baby, giggles and snuggles. But what is usually left out in movies and on social media is the diaper explosions, the debt that accumulates when you cannot work. The overwhelming feeling that mothers feel about keeping up with a society that is constantly pressuring perfection. It takes tremendous strength to set aside your wants and needs for these sweet babies. Waking in the night because your daughter had a bad dream. Rushing to the hospital because your son’s fever has been too high for too long.

Motherhood means you are your child’s everything; society says, “You need to look good while doing it.”

I remember the first time I felt the pain of Postpartum Anxiety. I had three beautiful babies, and I was so thankful for them. They were, and still are, everything that I wanted and more. But following a miscarriage and a bout of severe Preeclampsia, I found myself rattled with anxiety that I had never experienced before. I hated that I felt this way. I was so anxious I could hardly sleep at night. I wanted to love the moments that I was given with these sweet babies. And so, on the days when I was struggling the most, I would get mad at myself for having any issue. Because motherhood is supposed to be beautiful, it’s supposed to be remarkable. You shouldn’t have anxiety or depression or have days in which you’d like a vacation away. Right?

But the reality is that motherhood is a challenge. Yes, it’s beautiful, and yes, it’s filled with wholesome memories that you can cherish forever. But it’s also distinctly rugged some days. And it’s ok to recognize that. See, the issue is that because society glamorizes motherhood, you feel guilty when you’re the mom struggling to raise your kids or struggling with postpartum anxiety or depression. You want to be the mom who is standing in the kitchen making cinnamon rolls while your sweet babies are playing in your immaculate house, like those moms on Instagram. But the reality is, you’re the mom hiding in the bathroom, crying her eyes out because you’re overstimulated and touched out.

The Guilt of ‘Not Being Okay’ is Beyond Comprehensionable

Admitting that you’ve been struggling is one of the most painful things. The guilt is beyond comprehensionable. If everyone else can make motherhood look so beautiful and perfect, what is wrong with me? And that brings us back to our topic: Breaking the Mask: Why Moms Feel the Pressure to Lie about How They Are. No one wants to be the mom who admits that they’re not doing so great. No one wants to be the mom with the cluttered counters in the background of the Instagram photos. No one wants to be the mom whose children’s lunch boxes are filled with store bought snacks and not organic carrots and hummus. We must make it all look great because everyone else does. You have to parade around in this mask of perfection because who are you if you aren’t showing off the beauty of how perfect your life looks?

Lying about how you feel is a protective mechanism. There’s something awful about letting people see how you really are. Allowing people to see your flaws and imperfections. Even if they see that reel of your floor with goldfish crackers on it, they will forget it within 2 minutes, but you? You’ll be shocked that you missed that mess when you pushed “publish” and the anxiety of “What will people think?” Becomes consuming.

Did the Generations of Mothers Before Us Have it All Figured out?

Can you blame moms for feeling like they have to have it all together? No. Just look at the generations that came before us. Moms always had clean homes, dinners on the table by 5 pm, the perfect updo and adorable outfits for their perfect children. Motherhood and perfection are two things that have gone together for far too long. It’s easy to look at the lives of mothers of generations before us or look at the current snaps of a social media influencer and think, ‘Why am I not like that?‘ Here’s the thing: Comparing yourself as a mother to the generations of mothers before you is like comparing a tree in winter to a tree in summer. They’re entirely different.

Here’s what I mean:

A motherhood survey and study by Motherly in 2021 showed astonishing but unsurprising statistics stating that 93% of mothers reported feeling completely burnt out. Was burnout even something that mothers could endure in generations before us? Perhaps, but likely not to the dangerous level it is now. The truth is that motherhood is COMPLETELY different now.

You aren’t just expected to keep the house clean, food on the table, clothes washed, and the baby burped and snuggled. You are now responsible for all that, working full-time and still not having enough money to pay the bills. You are now responsible for raising kids in a constantly flip-flopping society, making it all look dreamy on social media. Motherhood is different now, and we need to recognize that.

The issue is that many moms feel that letting their mask fall and allowing themselves to ask for help is a major sign of weakness. But why? Who deemed asking for help a form of weakness? They say “It takes a village” so where’s the village? Where are the people who are supposed to come out of the woodwork and help?

If you are struggling to allow others to see that you’re in need of help, if you’re struggling to ask for help, I want you to reflect on these questions: If you have a journal nearby, write them down.

Questions to Reflect on:

When was the last time you told someone: “I’m fine” even though you aren’t?

What emotions were you feeling in that moment? Did you feel ashamed for not pretending you were fine? Did you feel relieved?

What would happen if you told the truth about how you’re feeling? Do you think you would be judged?

Do you feel like social media influences how you present yourself as a mom?

What’s one small step you can take to let go of the pressure to always be “fine”?

How can you start modelling vulnerability for your kids so they learn it’s okay to share their emotions, too?

One way to put it into perspective is: Would you want your child not to feel comfortable asking for help?

Would you want your child to have to “figure it out” on their own? To feel like they’re drowning trying to do it on their own but that there is no one they can trust or turn to who will be with them in their corner?

I wouldn’t want that for my kids; I want them to be able to ask for help. I want them to know that they are valuable, loved, and needed. I don’t want them to feel compelled to lie that they are fine when there is pain in their eyes. But how can I expect my kids to feel comfortable displaying their weaknesses and reaching out for help when they need it if I’m not demonstrating that it’s ok to let go of this idea that I must be perfect?

As Women, We are Taught From a Young Age Not to Ask for Help.

One thing that derails us immediately is that, as women, we are rarely taught to ask for help. From a young age, we are told to “figure it out” instead of “seek help from others.” So, how can we ask for help?

Here’s a step-by-step approach to learning how to ask for help as a mom.

Step 1: Acknowledge that you’re struggling

Be honest with yourself. Ask yourself, “Am I okay? Or am I pretending to be so I look good for society?”

Step 2: Let go of unrealistic expectations.

Let’s aim to reframe perfection. Recognize that perfection is a myth; trying to achieve it only leads to burnout.

Remember that being a good mom isn’t about doing everything but being present and loving.

Step 3: Identify What You Need

Get Specific: Reflect on what’s causing you stress or overwhelm.
- Do you need physical help (e.g., cleaning, childcare)?
- Emotional support (someone to talk to)?
- Professional guidance (therapy, coaching)?
Once you know what you need, it’s easier to ask for it.

Step 4: Choose Someone You Trust

Start Small: Identify one safe person: a friend, partner, or family member with whom you feel comfortable being vulnerable.
Consider Alternatives: If talking to someone in your personal life feels too intimidating, reach out to a counsellor, support group, or online community.

Step 5: Be Honest and Direct

Practice Saying It: Use simple phrases like:
- “I’m struggling right now and could use some help.”
- “I don’t feel okay and need someone to talk to.”
- “Could you help me with [specific task] this week? I’m feeling overwhelmed.”
You don’t need to overshare or explain everything; start with what feels manageable.

Step 6: Let Go of Guilt

Challenge Negative Thoughts: Remind yourself that asking for help isn’t selfish, it’s necessary.
Think about how you’d respond if a friend asked for your help. You’d probably want to support them, so why not allow others to do the same for you?

Step 7: Build a Routine of Honesty

Check-In Regularly: Make it a habit to assess how you’re feeling and what you need.
Create a Support System: Surround yourself with people who encourage vulnerability and honesty.

Step 8: Celebrate Your Growth

Acknowledge Your Efforts: Every time you ask for help or share honestly, celebrate it as a win.
Recognize that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness.

I wish that life could be perfect and beautiful all the time. But the reality is that there are times that will challenge you and days that will drain you. Motherhood is one of the most difficult jobs in the world but also one of the most fulfilling. If you’re struggling to ask for help today, know that asking for help is a sign of your strength. And showing that you aren’t perfect actually betters the entire family. You don’t need to try to maintain perfection; it’s ok to show that you have flaws because we all do. Keep going; you’ve got this!

Check out the Genuine Mom Club Podcast for more!